Birds Just Don’t Fly

Dear readers, I began this blog about a year ago after a fellow blogger Cathy Chester, who is a ferocious advocate for MS, suggested it during a twitter conversation.

Creating awareness should be our number one priority and  also creating spaces where we can share what it is to live with MG with others who go through the same things on a daily basis.

Myasthenia isn’t called the snowflake  disease for nothing, we all are different, but at the same time  share common denominators. As so many other immune diseases.

We all aspire feeling well enough to complete tasks as simple as showering, walking, or eating. These simple day to day tasks are colossal for us sometimes and not only take away from our quality of life, but also from our very core.

We struggle each day with our feelings and emotions trying to find sense in our lives and figuring out how not to just give up.

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It took me some time, but I think that finally I’ve found a glimpse on  my way in this tumultuous road of wellness.  Some of us tend to think that wellness is the same thing as health, and it’s not.

I ask myself, how can a person who is not healthy achieve a state of wellness that can overcome anything she or he has to endure?

To be honest, I don’t know.  I’m trying to discover the answer to this question through my journal,  jotting down how I feel along my journeys.

Each afternoon a flock of white birds fly above my yard and they are perfectly synchronized nevertheless, their perfection wasn’t achieved without at least falling down a couple of times and finding their exact place in the flock.

So my friends, I’m not going to find my purpose or be well without a bit of pain each time I fall.  However, what brings me hope is believing that I will be able to fly at some point and find a perfect place for myself in this thing called life.

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog and making me company in my journey through life.

See you around.

Facing Our Share of Loneliness

Dear readers,  regardless to say and I’m sure all of you know that life brings hundreds of sounds that people, animals or things make into our lives.  However,  I’ve lived  through days surrounded by these sounds and at the same time I’ve felt a compelling sense of loneliness.

We all face our share of loneliness.

The ironic part is that like robots  we respond, interact and even manage to laugh  about or with those who surround us. However, we feel lonely in a room full of people.

Since I have a big family, I have a busy phone and kitchen. My husband and myself satellite around our kitchen and phones. I listen to endless conversations and always try to be a good listener and to an extent try to fix things that I feel are wrong if I can. In other words, I try to make like comfortable for all of them. Fill in voids with my voice and cheer them with my laughter, comfort and hug them all as much as I can. Nevertheless, I’m trapped in a lonely world sometimes.

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Living with MG is a lonely path.

It would be nice to listen to someone ask me not if I’m well or not, but to listen to,

“How are you feeling?” But for real.  Actually an outlet to let go of all my steam,  to bear my soul, or to spill it all out.

My loneliness is not but a stream of thoughts about my life and how it’s changed during the past ten years.

My loneliness is a fair cry of a bird that wants to spread her wings and fly to the vast horizons.

Don’t get me wrong I know that I’m loved and cherished, and  always have been.  That’s not something I’m enjoying now because I’m ill, but it’s been part of my life ever since he became part of it as well. However, that doesn’t take away how I feel.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that my loneliness is mine to face only.

So my dear friends, next time the sun comes up with its majestic sunrise and accompanying sounds I will move on trying to cope with my loneliness and making the best of it.  Maybe next time around  I’ll find an opportunity to talk to someone of things that are important at least to me.

Don’t forget to be kind to yourself and to others.

Thanks for stopping by to read about life with Myasthenia and making me company on my journey to wellness.  See you around.

Life’s Manuscript

Dear readers, I like writing my blog mainly because I get to share my feelings with others, but most importantly with myself.

Well, probably your asking yourself, “Why?”, “Isn’t the point of having a blog, trying to get noticed out on the vast horizons of the world wide web?”.

Everyone seems to be craving getting their fifteen seconds of fame.

For me sharing my thoughts on life, wellness, and so much more people who have MG have to deal with is important, but finding my voice is as equal  or even more important.

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A voice that is often silenced the moment you say something that’s not in the manuscript. I don’t know if you get it or not, however for me it is a reality that hits home more often then I liked to admit.

The moment that I try to say something like,

“Life stinks.” (Believe me it truly does sometimes.).  Someone in my family will jump to begin saying, “You have so much.”

Do I???

These are the moments I miss my daughter the most.  She always says,

“Mamita, it’s okay if you think life stinks, you have a right to feel anything you want. Things don’t have to be okay.”

That’s part of dealing with all of this.

Having such a debilitating disease takes away so much, it’s overwhelming. Specially when you see everyone moving forward and you’re just sitting there watching as a bystander.

You know, I have an older sibling  who I admire very much.  We overcame a difficult childhood as best as we could.

I have mixed feeling each time I have to face the fact that he was able to complete a thirty year career in the Army overcoming a lot of things that happened to him along the way, and now as frosting on the cake, he’s about to begin a new career facing his retirement. He has a motorcycle he rides during the weekends and he seems to be happy most of the time.  In a nutshell, he’s free.

I miss my career so much it hurts sometimes.  Today the feeling of despair just creeped up on me and for just a second I felt without a purpose in life.

I thought , “Is this what people who feel like dyeing experience?

My life seems to be lived through a loophole, seeing only what others want me to see and even more dangerous pretending that everything is fine.

Nonetheless,  I snapped right out of it.

I still feel sad, but part of being well is our capacity to be sad.  As the day came to an end, I got my gardening gloves and this and that as I listened to Barbara Streisand sing about love, sorrow,  and life.  They say pets sense when something is wrong, so needless to say, my dog sat near me as I tweaked a bush or two, and got a longer pat than usual.

So my friends it’s fine to yell once in a while, even if it is to yourself, that life does suck for some more than others sometimes and it’s perfectly normal to feel bad about it and yourself, even if we snap out of it in a second or two.

See you around and remember to be kind to yourself and to others.

Maleta and Go

Dear readers, thanks for stopping by and reading my blog.

I was thinking about something to share with you and I came up with my recent appointment with my neuro.   Navigating through the rapids of our neuro’s isn’t easy.  Just a couple of days ago I visited my doctor ‘s office for a check up, and since I’m not doing well I figured,  hmmm “He’s sending me to the hospital to get some Gamma and get me back on track.”, like usual.

Well, it didn’t happen.

I had all my stuff packed and ready for my seven day stay at the “Resort and Spa” a/k/a Bellavista Hospital , as we Puerto Ricans say I was all set for “Maleta and go”, which means I was up and ready to face whatever it is I needed to do.

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Nevertheless, he wasn’t going down that path, not at least  this time around.

He decided to  travel towards the Mestinon Extended Lane,  leaving my Prednisone dose a bit towards the high end.  Oh, and let me not forget that we talked about getting my thymus tissue removed.

The point I’m trying to make (and probably one you’ll share with me) is that getting on and off this roller coaster called Myasthenia is a hell of a thing.  There are so many twists and turns that it’s almost impossible  to land in one piece without experiencing the scare of your life.

I don’t know how long I can stay away from my next Gamma, but as of right now I’m grateful I’m home and not admitted in isolation in a nearby clinic.

The dice are rolled each time we come across a crisis and there is not much we can do about it.  However, the important thing for me is being able to calmly (I usually do the opposite) explore all my choices because at the end of the day  those are the choices that count.

Ultimately,  we are the ones who decide if we are “maleta and go” ready or if we need a bit more time to adjust and move forward with whatever it is we need to do. Nobody can take that away from us.

And remember to always be kind to yourself and move forward even if we can only take baby steps and I’m not talking in figurative language.

Take care.