The Fixer Upper

Dear readers, many of us become lonely clowns trying to cheer everyone up, nonetheless feeling like empty shells with a smile stamped on our faces.

It’s a hard truth to face.

Probably the hardest thing to take in is people telling you how good you look when you’re not feeling well at all.

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Recently my meds were changed and my body is yelling at full throttle that something is wrong.  For more than ten years I’ve taken my medicines on a military schedule and now it’s going to be released little by little throughout different dosages and hours.

Tremors, feeling nauseous,  and being able to hold a meal have been a challenge to take in. But, I’m giving it my best.

Just wondering sometimes why does it have to be trying to cheer up anyone other than myself.  Surviving a difficult childhood left me with many scars, maybe the one that I resent the most is that I like to please those who surround me more than I need to. Early on I learned that pleasing my parents would keep me out of trouble, so I became a fixer upper. I’m not sure that’s even a term, but wanting to fix things for others is.

I need just to take a deep breath and give myself a break. It’s fine if I’m not feeling well, and I have all the right in this Universe to say it. I just have to make myself do it.

In the meanwhile I have my blog to turn to each time I need a shout out.  The best thing probably is that no one in my family takes time to read it so I can write anything I want without feeling guilty about it.

Trying to reach a point in your life where wellness is for real is hard to achieve and I’m not sure  we can get there.  Nonetheless,  we need something to look forward to while coping with this draining disease.

So, thanks for stopping by and let us aspire to keep moving forward however hard it can become to bare.  See you around.

The Lonely Path of Depression

Dear readers,  most of us don’t want to talk about “depression” or whatever name you or me want to call it.  It’s a delicate matter, a Pandora box, the white elephant in the room or the conversation.  Even if these are our “ifs” we don’t want to deal with them, or if we do we usually procrastinate it for a bit more, or at least that’s what I do.

When my daughter came in May from McCormick Seminary in Chicago to take care of me in the hospital she brought the subject up… more or less like this,

Lonely Path

“Mom, you should consider therapy to manage stress…”

She brought it up with the word “stress” because she thought I would be more receptive.

To which I replied  with a startled  look….

“I’ve been managing quite well for the past ten years.” (Whoa…. where did that come from)

To which she replied with her usual “Uhummm”, (keep in mind that she’s going to be a minister), she uses that little sound to gain some time before recollecting her thoughts for a good comeback.

The thing is that we were back and forth for a while, but she suddenly dropped the topic.  Just to bring it back when I got discharged from the hospital.  And my dear friends, she took me where she wanted and I ended up making that phone call.  I do need therapy.

Admitting it to myself is the hard part.

 

Depression like any other mental health issue stands in a lonely place and going there and facing it isn’t easy.

Even if I do want to think I’m happy most of the time, the truth is I’m not always  happy about my life.

My Myasthenia took away one of the things I loved about my life, my teaching career.

When I graduated, I told my husband  before my first day as a teacher,

“Am I blessed or what??? I get to do what I love the most and I get paid for it. I could do this for free.”

Little did I know that my teaching career wouldn’t last ten years.

Each year when the school year is about to begin is when I feel uneasy and pretty much sad.  My heart just skips a beat and I would give anything in this world just to get ready to go to work.

My husband and my neurologist try to make me feel better, telling me this or that, but deep inside it hurts really bad.

Now after all these years, I’m going to give therapy a try.

And this my dear friends, is only one aspect of the emotional ups and downs I go through each day, each week, each month and each year.

I have to cope with so many things and I’m sure all of you have to as well.

Not dealing with our inner turmoil hurts more than it heals, even if I don’t deal with it or bury it so deep within my soul feeling for a nanosecond it’s not there.  I can’t wish it away, it’s going to stay there until I deal with it.   It’s like a cancer cells that repairs all that’s close to it, just to get stronger and destroy everything that’s in its path.

The good that come out of all this is that I can’t give up and neither can you.  We have to stand strong and just put one step in front of the other in this day to day battle,  never loosing hope and gripping hard to our faith.

Thanks for being part of my road to wellness, see you around the corner.

MG & Parenting: Exhausting

Dear readers, those of you who are moms, dads, grandparents,  grandparents who are raising your children’s children, stepdads or stepmoms know that parenting is a rewarding, yet a difficult task.

If you ask me to close my eyes and think about a word that best describes being a mommy, I’ll easily answer it with “exhausting”.

I’ve seen both sides of the coin.

I became a first time Mami when I was 23 years old, and by  27 my family of five was complete. Even if I felt overwhelmed sometimes while  juggling a full time job, three small children, and a house I felt overall happy.    I was a healthy and fit young woman, so I tackled parenting like a train at full throttle.

Now on the other side, when Ian came into my life I was 45 and five years into the management of my Myasthenia.

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Ian and me this last Christmas getting ready for Santa’s visit.

I worried a lot during those first months.

When he was about two months old I would cradle him in his great- grandfather’s rocker and talk to him about so many things.  I would day dream about his future and just tell him all the things that would happen along the way.  Looking back, I should have talked to him about  how he would learn to cope each time I had to stay in the hospital and he couldn’t go with me.

Probably nothing would have prepared us for these moments.  Moments each parent who has a chronic illness is troubled to face, specially when your child cries in distress not understanding why he or she has to stay and you need to go.

Collecting sad moments along the way.

The saddest moment in my heart  was when after a hospital stay  he sat down on the kitchen floor and looked for his book, “Are you my mother” by Dr. Seuss and made up his own story about how his mom got lost and how he found her after she’d been in the hospital.

At his very young age he was trying to cope with the fact that I was gone for more than a week.

He’ll turn five this next month and I can say honestly that it doesn’t get better.   Friends and family all agree that I need to talk to him about what’s going to happen over the next few days when I need to go to the hospital,  but it doesn’t help at all.

This last December he was crying his heart out while we were trying to facetime, even while I tried to assure him that it was going to be okay trying not to fall apart in tears as well. 

While writing this post, my daughter sent me this great article, “49 Phrases to Calm an Anxious Child” written by Renee Jain featured in Psych Central.

Even though my beloved Ian has gone through things that only children with ill parents have to endure, he’s doing fine in so many other things.   But, that’s another story to tell. A good title would be, “MG & Elementary School: A Survival Guide”.

Plus, children have an amazing endurance for so many things.

I try to stay hopeful that things will move on for the better and that he can become a stronger person because of my illness. My best shot on that is trying to raise him with lots and lots of love and most of all kindness of the heart.  And if I’ve succeeded or not is somethings only time will tell my dear friends.

Please, don’t  forget to find meaning and purpose in each day, and to reach out to others. When we give it a try, it’s pretty amazing.

I invite you to come along on my journey to wellness of my body and soul healing so many things along the way.